Fall is here. Yesterday morning (Labor Day), Tim and I woke up to the fresh, crisp, chilly air sipping in through our cracked open bedroom windows. A whole summer of almost nothing but 90 Fahrenheit and above was pretty memorable, not entirely in a good way.
We spent the day playing Mario Brothers on Wii, going for walks, meeting up with some friends as well as sharing meals with each other. I enjoy our simple days in Boston. As much as it not being our favorite city, we have spent 3 good years here already.
It is the city where we began our lives as husband and wife.
It was the place where we lost our first child; his/her resting place, provided by the hospital where the research was done after its death, is in St. Joseph Cemetery, on the same street where we are living.
Very often, we pass by the green lawn area at the entrance of the cemetery on our way to different places, we would call, "baby..." out loud. We feel extremely comforted and at the same time grateful for the hospital for their act of humaneness. Tim once said to me that even though we couldn't afford to buy a house in Boston, at least we have a tiny plot of land that has part of us in it.
Many people think that if the next pregnancy succeeds, than this child will be in replacement of the first one that was lost; and that our lost would cancel with our gain. That's not true at all if you have experience miscarriage yourself. It's not to say that I am still living in the shadow and unwilling to get out. No, by the grace and power of God, He has healed my heart and sealed my wounds. However, avoiding talking or thinking about the tragedies that happened in our lives is not the best thing to do. It only creates a hidden wound that will rot and ache silently, and it will never get the chance to seal up. As a result, one will find other things to fill that open wound: entertainment, noise, tasks, responsibilities... but ultimately, misery will arise, and one will feel more and more empty because after a long while, one will not remember why all this busyness, and why all this emptiness.
Through this tragedy, and by the love of God. I've learned to embrace it, and make it a part of me and who I am as of today.
Right after my miscarriage, I called my best friend from California. It was 3 AM for her and 7AM for me. That morning was the day after the bad news. Tim had gone to work in total despair and I was extremely alone and scared. My best friend wept with me on the phone. Occasionally, I would wail on top of my lunges, and she stayed patiently on the other side of the phone weeping softly.
That phone call was the starting point of my healing.
After that, my mom flew in from California, my friends came to see me and bring me food and flowers, people wrote emails and made calls to show their sympathy, church ladies prayed for me during Bible study meetings.
All this love and support prevented me from shutting myself out. I was open to conversations in regards to this specific topic. I was willing to share my experience with others, especially those who were going through the same thing. I was free to admit that at times I felt sad and disappointed, and this feeling was reoccurring and there was no way I could control it. I was also honest to admit that sometimes I felt jealous about other mothers and their cute babies.
I am simply a human being.
Even though this event was not the highlight of our three years here in Boston, but it is definitely one of the most memorable and important one ever. Who knows, it might just be the highlight of our time here in God's eyes. Because of it, Tim and I learned the preciousness of life; God is the giver and creator of life, not us. We learned to love each other even more than before, our love has deepened from sharing joy and happiness to going through the valley of shadow of death. We learned to treasure each other and the partnership which God bestowed on us with the seal of our marriage. We learned to trust God more after realizing how fragile and powerless we really are. We thought was could control our own lives, but we really can't control anything, even the falling of our hairs from our heads.
I want to share this with my blog readers because I know that none of us have a perfect and trouble-free life. I want to encourage you to embrace the life experiences that make up who you are, whether they be good or bad. Don't be afraid to open up, you'll be surprised how many people share your pain and understand what you're going through. Mostly importantly, don't fill your life with busyness and noise just to block out the pain that's there hidden underneath your throbbing heart.
If you feel alone and scared, call out to Jesus. He can save your life and your soul.
Through the whole last year and this year, I ask one thing from Jesus, "Have mercy on me, oh Lord!"
"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23
