Sophie's Birthday

After finishing up the book of Job in the Bible during my daily devotionals, I felt the mortal finiteness of myself and the omnipotence of God and His incomprehensible wisdom. I was reminded once again that God can do anything, and I cannot.

Today was my daughter's birthday party. I had been planning it for a month. I bought all the decorations to match the theme, made all the signs, ordered all the food and a birthday cake, hired an award-winning balloon artist and designed how the whole 3 hours would be played out. I even printed black-and-white photos of her past year and made backings for them out of scrapbooking card stocks, I dripped each photo with a crystal on a patterned string and was planning to hang them on the tangerine tree branches in the backyard. I thought I was doing a lot and was smart about every little detail. However, like Job, but maybe not to his extent, I was shown what a limited being I was.

Yesterday morning when I checked the weather for today, it showed that during the 3 hours of what's supposed to be Sophie's birthday party, there were going to be 40%-60% chance of rain, and then it would be sunny again for the rest of the night and unto the next day. I began to worry. All the planning might go to waste because of the rain. I though to myself, "it is freaking California. It hardly rains. Why all of the sudden? Why during Sophie's birthday party, where I invited at least 18 kids to come along with their parents?" It never crossed my mind that I'd have to try to make a plan B in case of rain. I was annoyed.

For the following 24 hours, I had never checked the forecast updates so frequently in my life. I clicked the live map to see the prediction of the wind currents and cloud movements. I kept refreshing the weather page hoping to see a change in the percentage of the raining possibilities. Opposite of my hopes and dreams, the percentage never decreased. The indications showed that it would start to rain right when I were suppose to start the party, and it were going to last throughout the duration of the party. I was sad, and I had no power to change the weather. It's up to God.

I didn't sleep too well last night, obviously trying to check for more weather updates. During the middle of the night, I thought God spoke to me in a comforting voice that things were going to be ok, the party would be fine, and the rain would not come during the party. However, I, of little faith, really, really little faith, didn't believe or trust Him. I struggled all night thinking about what I can do to not have the party attendees be rained on. I was trying so hard using my own power but I still felt helpless the more I checked for weather updates, because nothing changed in the forecast.

However when morning came, in spite of my weakness and unbelieving heart, God came through for me. He showed me crisp air, spare white clouds, gorgeous blue sky,  and 4 mph wind speed. That was all I needed to start decorating and putting everything outside in the backyard.

I was so thankful, yet ashamed of my disbelieve. I wasted so much energy just worrying, and I lost sleep over things I cannot control, yet God had already told me that He would take care of this.

Right when all the guests were leaving after the 3+ hours of partying and feasting, the rain came crashing down like the dam had opened its flood gate, accompanied by loud thunders. It was truly a miracle.

If this lesson had taught me anything, it would be to trust God fully, and to listen carefully to Him when He speaks, also, to be humble to realize my mortality and to recognize His deity. I can only give all the glory and praises to God, my Father in Heaven. Thank you for loving on us, showing mercy especially when we are weak, and caring for Your daughter Sophie, because she had a blast today at her birthday party. =)

The Present

I've been thinking a lot about my life as of today. I enjoy spending time with my two kids very much. Everyday after lunch, we would take a nap together on the king size bed, and before we fall asleep, we would cuddle and wrestle, and I would squeeze them tight and toss them up in the air, and they would hug and kiss me all over and pile on top of me. I love our pre-nap-time play so much, it's what I look forward to everyday. I enjoy this love we share with one another, and I love being their mom, the one they need so much, all the time. However, I know that this will not last forever. They will grow up little by little before my eyes, and sooner or later, they will get embarrassed even by a small hug or a little kiss from me, especially in front of their friends. As a mom, I will need to learn to let them go little by little each year until they become adults and have families of their own. One day, hopefully in a very distant future, I will part from life on this earth and they will have to say goodbye to me.

I know that every human being possess this sense that nothing lasts forever. Amidst joy and celebration, there's also a lingering feeling of sadness that "who knows when we'll get to do this again with all the people here right now". I feel that way sometimes at home as I play with my two preschoolers. I know that little by little they'll grow up and they won't be this cute forever, and they won't be this innocent forever, and they won't be this needy forever. Soon they won't need a mid-day nap anymore, our night time story will not exist one day, and our backyard swing, slide and playhouse will be crawling with spiders and piled with dusts because they will not want to play on them anymore. I say this a lot to my kids, "Can you guys just stop growing and be this little forever?" Their response is always the variations of, "No, I want to grow BIG and TALL, like you, mommy." 

At each stage of life, there are different things we are working on, and changes we need to learn to accept and adapt to, but a lot of times, life is mundane, to be honest. I think if our life is full of excitement all the time, everyday, like in those action movies, we wouldn't be able to have the mental capacity to handle it anyways. God is merciful, thankfully, most of our days are pretty peaceful and ordinary. However, because our days are so comfortable sometimes, we forget to enjoy it. From the poem I Dream I Had An Interview With God, I really like how the poet writes about what God's response is regarding mankind,

"God answered, That they get bored with childhood, They rush to grow up, Then long to be children again. That they lose there health to make money, then lose there money to restore there health. That by thinking anxiously about there future, they forget the present. That they live as if they will never die, then die as if they have never lived."

 I wouldn't say this is my mid-life crisis blog entry or anything like that. In fact, I am not feeling the least bit of pessimism right now as I am writing this. I guess all I want to say is, don't forget to enjoy today, no matter how ordinary it might seem, and always be thankful for the Giver for what He has provided for us, right now, at this moment.

Matthew 6:34 New International Version (NIV) "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Here is to a good Monday and a good week ahead of us!

Close But Not Too Close

This morning, I was just remembering how our good friend Erdia invited our whole family to stay at her house in Houston last fall, and how much fun we had with her family and friends. She's truly a hospitable person that I would like to model after. She had made so many friends because of her hospitality, and even moving from Boston to Houston didn't hinder her from always having a house full of friends on a regular bases in her new home. 

I remembered when Tim and I first got married, and as we moved from California to Boston, how lonely we felt and how little friends we had the first year we were there. A lot had to do with us being closed to ourselves and not willing to invite people into our lives. That first year of marriage was very tough. We fought a lot and didn't know why we dated for 5 years but we were suddenly unhappy once we got married. Years later, I realized that it was because when we were dating in college, we were always surrounded by good friends. I had my girls to chitchat and go shopping with, and Tim had the guys to play sports and video games with. We had dating friends that went on double dates with us. We also had elderlies from the local community whom we saw regularly for Bible studies or school events. Our lives were intertwined with many people at different stages of life, and we felt full emotionally and spiritually. However, once we got married and moved to a brand new city, all the relationships were striped away. It was just Tim and I. We thought that as long as we have each other it was going to be enough, but it wasn't true. 

Our society is not helping us in anyway to live in authentic community with others. Modernization has forced us to close our front doors unless we could present ourselves in our most polished state. TV ads and department store ads are all telling us that we need to buy this set of tableware and this kind of serving utensils or this type of glassware to be a truly entertaining host. Cooking channels and food websites are telling us to make this kind of centerpiece or set the dining table in a certain way and cook these dishes so that your guests would be impressed. Not to mention clothing ads are also squeezing a foot in and telling us to dress a certain way so we look more presentable while we entertain. 

All that gets so tiring, and it doesn't show our true selves. As a result, we stop doing it - inviting people over. Especially if finance is an issue, people feel like they can't afford to have people over. But when does being wealthy equate to having more authentic relationships? It is probably the total opposite. 

Whenever I hear people tell me, "my parents are coming from out of town to see us this week, but they'll stay in a hotel. They don't want us to feel like they're intruding." That's just plain bizarre to me coming from a Eastern cultural background. In my mind, I am thinking, "don't you have like 3, 4 bedrooms? You can't spare one for your own parents? You can't let your dearest, closest people see your bed hair and smell your bed breath in the morning or something?" Last time we went to China to see my relatives, even though my uncle and aunt had no spare bedroom for us to stay in, they insisted on sleeping in the living room so we could sleep in their bedroom. I was greatly moved by their kind of hospitality. 

I read this TIME magazine online article:

"What happens when you look at the happiest people and scientifically analyze what they have in common? Researchers did just that.

Relationships, Relationships, Relationships

It was strong social relationships.There was a clear answer to what differentiated these people from everyone else — and it wasn’t money, smarts, age, gender or race.

Via The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work:

Turns out, there was one—and only one—characteristic that distinguished the happiest 10 percent from everybody else: the strength of their social relationships. My empirical study of well-being among 1,600 Harvard undergraduates found a similar result—social support was a far greater predictor of happiness than any other factor, more than GPA, family income, SAT scores, age, gender, or race. In fact, the correlation between social support and happiness was 0.7. This may not sound like a big number, but for researchers it’s huge—most psychology findings are considered significant when they hit 0.3. The point is, the more social support you have, the happier you are.

Since our first year of marriage, I am glad to say we've made many good friends, even with a big move from the East coast to the West coast and many hardships along the way, our marriage is growing stronger because of these wonderful people who love and support us. 

Our house can be a big mess because of two little, cute tornados, and our back yard could be like a survival zone due to the lack to attention, but our hearts feel fuller than ever before. 

My cousin lives with her in-laws. She told me she fights with her mother-in-law from time to time, but they would become closer after they talk it out and reconcile each time. These days, after many years of living under one roof, she would tell me how much she appreciates her in-laws, and that without them, she'd be dead many times over with 2 kids. Instead of trying to avoid conflict and stay at a distant and look perfect and impressive, I think what we long for more is for people we care about to truly accepts us as we are. 

We need to rethink this whole thing over, about living in community, as we were first designed to do. The bad and the ugly is not so bad and ugly once exposed to the people who love us. 

I will end here with a quote from the movie Good Will Hunting (one of Tim's favorite movies):

“Sean: My wife used to fart when she was nervous. She had all sorts of wonderful little idiosyncrasies. She used to fart in her sleep. I thought I’d share that with you. One night it was so loud it woke the dog up. She woke up and went ‘ah was that you?’ And I didn’t have the heart to tell her. Oh! Will: She woke herself up? Sean: Ah...! But Will, she’s been dead for 2 years, and that's the shit I remember: wonderful stuff you know? Little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that's what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but there not. Ah, that's the good stuff. ~ Robin Williams as Sean Maguire, Matt Damon as Will Hunting.”

Wait For Mommy

In this day and age, we're always in a hurry getting things done or getting somewhere on time, that we often rush our little ones along. This is something that I dislike--rushing kids and make them feel they're behind. Although I must admit, I couldn't resist doing it from time to time, too.

Thinking back to my childhood, when life used to be much simpler, my parents would always take me to my grandparents to spend the whole day with them on Sundays. My cousin and I would just climb trees, pick fruits from the trees, ride our red tricycle around Grandpa's backyard and watch Sunday afternoon children's TV programs. We also got to observe how my grandpa took care of his garden or practice his Chinese calligraphy, and how my grandma and mom cooked meals in the kitchen. Time felt irrelevant during those days, and I remembered it like it was a beautiful dream.

Staying home with the kids, I often try to squeeze in cleaning the house, washing dishes or doing laundry and picking up after the kids as they play. Throughout the day, they'd ask me to get something for them that they couldn't reach or do something for them that don't know how to do on their own. When I am in the middle to finishing up a chore, I'd ask them to wait for mommy to finish up. It's not that I can't drop what I am doing and help them right away, but I want them to learn how to wait and have patience at a young age. They used to throw a fit when they didn't get what they wanted right away, but I can see that slowly, by practicing waiting, they are much calmer as they wait for me to finish up whatever I am doing until they get helped. It's second nature to them to "wait for mommy" now. I think as of today, I suddenly see the fruit of my labor--enduring through all the whining and tantrums when I asked them to "wait for mommy" all these times before, I just thought, I'd share this little joy with all of you.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. "

The first attribute of love is being patient. How hard is it to achieve being a patient person in this consumeristic, fast-food society? I guess we all need to be reminded from time to time to slow down and enjoy what we have at the moment. I don't need my children to learn every skill there is out there that have classes for, but I need them to learn how to live a full and enjoyable life knowing and practicing what love is in God's eyes.

Recent Doodles

The kids and I draw and paint very often together. I remember myself loving drawing and painting as a young child, but my mother would always get so mad at me for "wasting time" and not doing more studying with my school textbooks. I would always feel so torn and guilty whenever I drew or painted. After becoming an adult and now a mother, I can now say this with a relief that drawing is actually good for kids. 

"Drawing is not primarily a creative means of expression," says Eileen Adams, education officer for the Campaign for Drawing. "It is an intellectual activity -- a way of understanding the world. Just as pre-verbal infants babble, so young children make marks and squiggles in an effort to order and refine their thoughts. Ideas that are either unformed or only partly formed at the beginning gradually take shape and develop through the process of drawing." 

"The visual imagery that children acquire through drawing is vital to their later understanding of subjects such as geography and maths. Without an ability to map components or make sense of symbols, children's development in these areas is likely to be severely restricted."

I am confident to say that drawing is not only good for kids but it is good for people of all ages. In fact, without the making of art and without the appreciation for art, this world would be an even sadder and uglier place than it has already become in many aspects. 

Recently, the kids really enjoyed reading the picture book Best First Book Ever by Richard Scarry. So one day as we were doodling, I drew Lowly Worm for them.

Sophie helped me fill in the colors for Lowly Worm.

There he was! We also drew Mr. Frumble and Sally Cat, etc., all from the same book.

The next two were 100% by Sophie. She is 3 years and two months old as of today. She told me she was drawing Grandpa with glasses in this one,

and a snowbear (instead of a snowman) in this one.

We were also reading Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle, and so I drew Little Blue with the big green toad on top.

We also drew random things like flowers and people.

Sometimes, we'd explore with watercolors, too. First I would mark the outlines with a gel crayon.

Then I'd let them have a go at it with the watercolors.

The following three were done by mommy ^^

This one is again, all Sophie

 Sometimes, it was the result of a collaboration.

The left one was drawn per Sophie's request, and the right one was drawn per Brandon's request. I could clearly see that they like very different things. 

They'll continue to grow and develop in their own unique ways, and someday they'll go their separate paths in a good way, but I hope they'll remember this precious time where they shared many hours being with each other and drawing together.

A Year Slipped By

Looking back on my previous post, a year of time has slipped through my fingers. Actually a lot has happened within this past year.

First of all, we bought a house!

Not long after that, Brandon turned 1!

Then I got a job as a music teacher at a preschool-kindergarten and worked there for a semester.

During that four months, while my paycheck was the second best thing for our family, I lost the first best thing, which was time with my children. Everyday, I found myself acting like a strict military officer rather than a fun and loving mom.

In the morning,

"Hurry and wake up!"
"Hurry and get dressed!"
"Hurry and eat your breakfast!"
"Hurry and get your belongings ready!"

In the afternoon after I picked up the kids,

"Hurry and eat your dinner!"
"Hurry to take your bath, stop playing!"
"Hurry and go to bed!"

While working at the school was fun because I got to meet many wonderful teachers and super adorable children, I didn't feel at peace. Many times while driving to work, I would listen to online sermons that would just make me tear up. I felt that I couldn't spend quality time with my children day in and day out. I felt like I was always antsy and short tempered with Sophie and Brandon, and I was constantly trying to hurry them on so they could fit into my schedule.

However, the thing that urged me to resign wasn't quite just this. My dear mother-in-law was actually diagnosed with 1st stage breast cancer during the same time. She and my father-in-law live all the way in Hong Kong. I thought about how she helped and blessed us the past decade with her love, and I thought about the fact that I only have one mother-in-law, but I could have many jobs throughout my lifetime. I thought that it would cheer her up greatly if she could spend time with her grandchildren during this upstream battle with cancer. For that reason, I quit. I took both kids to live in Hong Kong with my in-laws for two months, and it was a blessed and unforgettable time for all of us.

3 days after we came back to the States, Sophie turned 3! We celebrated her birthday early while we were still in Hong Kong. Daddy also reunited with us, and we were all very glad!

The kids grew up a lot in Hong Kong. They are more independent, self-motivated and understanding. The best of all was that they got Mommy back -- the old mommy who would play with them, read with them, and draw with them, not the military officer lady who was saying "hurry" all the time. ^_~

So here I am, becoming a stay-home mom once again, and loving every day with my two little buttons. I am more grateful to be a mom than ever before. The time I have with them is fleeting. I won't even mind being ambitious and try homeschooling. They're learning together on sharing, being focused on doing tasks, reading books, singing songs, cooking and baking with Mommy, and above all, they're feeling loved, all the time, every day.

Different moms have different callings, I am not saying that everyone should do this motherhood thing the same way. I am simply writing my own story and composing my own songs and living out my own callings.

In a week, Brandon is going to be 2! Wow, time certainly flies.

While Sophie Is Sleeping

What should I write about right now as Sophie is asleep and I have a moment to myself? I want to talk about "hope". Everybody needs some kind of hope to keep them going, especially when times seem mundane and just plain ordinary, when we lose sight of what we're doing because everything seems to be on autopilot mode. I recently experienced this hope-less valley where I became bored with life and where I felt like I'm stuck.

In a way, hope can seem unrealistic and too futuristic to grasp. Hope feel like a childhood dream that will never come true. So why do we hope? I think God not only give us the ability to store memories in our brain where we look to the past to either savor the sweetness of it or to learn from our mistakes and become wiser, but we also have the ability to look forward into the future and to hope. Hope is what keeps everyone going. The hope that tomorrow will be better, the hope that the current situation will change and improve, the hope that in time, some things will finally begin to happen, etc.

Without hope, what's the purpose of living on a day longer? Like my friend who ended his own life recently, he must have felt hopeless in every way.

I hope for many things, and I want to be happy and positive while in waiting. May God grant me the patience too!

I hope that for my future, I will be able to influence people in ways that will give them more hopes and more dreams and thus more positive outlooks towards life!

Death

Today as I saw the body of a neighbor of ours being carried into a hearse, and his loved ones hugging one another in tears seeing him off, my heart was broken once again as I was holding Sophie in my arms from a walk back home.

Death once again weighed down on me. Just this past weekend, Tim and I learned that a dear friend of ours ended his own life recently. As we are still grieving for that lost, here I am, witnessing another person gone.

What are we to do with our limited time on this earth? May God show me how to live a successful life in His eyes.

Life is short, love the people around you more! Above all, be transformed by the love of Christ and His eternal hope.

Grandma Left

My mom left this afternoon to go back to my dad after 5 weeks of being here with us.
She did a lot while she was here.
Her daily chores include:
-making sure I get fed well
-making sure Tim gets fed well
-making sure I get my sleep during the day
-hand-washing all of Sophie's clothing
-holding Sophie from time to time
-swaddling Sophie very tightly and warmly
-entertaining Sophie when she didn't want to sleep but I did
-giving Sophie baths
-and much more...

I really appreciated her being here, not only helping us out, but sleeping in the living room for a whole 5 weeks, being away from my dad this whole time, and doing so much behind the scene when I was too tired to even notice.

This afternoon, after saying goodbye to her at the airport and coming back home, I felt anxious all of the sudden. I thought to myself, "She's gone! What do I do now?" I began to panic a little while Sophie woke up from her car ride and started to cry wanting to get out from her car seat. While trying to calm her down and giving her milk, the house felt so silent. It'll take me time to get use to being by myself all over again, this time with the baby outside of me instead of inside.

May God grant me strength and wisdom! I want to treasure all these precious milestones of motherhood and one day being able to look back with pleasure.

Hanging On

Last night, while Sophie was being held, she grabbed on to Tim's shirt with all her might with both hands. Maybe she was afraid that daddy might somehow drop her?
Tim asked me if we're like that in God's eyes. We struggle in the safety of His hands thinking that we're still not safe enough. We use our finite knowledge to grab on to something that will not save us, but we loose sight of the One who can truly protect us from danger and harm.

Thank you God for being our Father who loves us like no others can.

50 Days

Sophie is due in another 50 days according to my pregnancy calendar.
She is pretty active these days getting so big and all. Sometimes I suspect that she might be dancing in there, especially after meals or when I play piano for her. One day Tim put his ear on my belly and he could hear her heart beating so clearly. It was amazing! I'll get to see her again in a week when I go for my 34 week ultrasound. I wonder what she looks like now.
My parents and Tim's parents are getting super excited too. My mom is preparing all these Chinese herbs and dried fruits for me to have during the month after labor. In Chinese, we called it 做月子 where, for the whole month after labor, the new mother has to stick with a specific kind of diet in order to speed up recovery, enhance milk production, and replenish nutrients back to the body from what it has lost for the baby. Maybe that's why Asian women age slower? I am not sure, but this process is really important for the Chinese, and it apparently works wonders.
For Tim's parents, they purchased lots of baby clothes for Sophie from Hong Kong, Taiwan and Japan, and are sending them to us soon.
As our little family expands, so is the love within the bigger family. We feel truly blessed by our parents and their love for us and this new member who's about to join. ^^
On the same note, we feel really blessed by our church community, our home away from home. The support and encouragement we get from these lovely brothers and sisters in Christ is like food to our soul. Sophie even has a doctor, a close church friend of ours, already waiting for her once she comes out. God prepared everything for us so perfectly, we cannot ask for more. Thanks be to God!

Tummy Growing

I am happy to tell you that I am pregnant! God has blessed Tim and I with a girl. She just passed 24 weeks.
I had a hard time telling people the good news earlier on because I was afraid that it'd be the same as last time. The first 12 weeks was very nerve-wracking for both Tim and I. At the 12 week ultrasound, we were so nervous we could pee our pants. Is the baby alive? Will there be a heartbeat? What if it's like last time... ?
God's been teaching us a lot through this pregnancy. We also found a great church community during this process. Our small group has 4 medical doctors and many young children as well as a couple who's also expecting. God taught us to trust Him, even though sometimes we're extremely doubtful. God showed us that He's merciful and kind, and that He does give us many blessings.

On the weekend before Thanksgiving, Tim and I took a trip to California where we attended our friend Emi's wedding in Costa Mesa (pictures to come soon!); we also got to see many friends and spent time with my family in Northern California. It may be our last long distant vacation before the baby arrives. We treasured every moment of it. I got a lot of tummy rub this trip, and many people felt the baby kick too. So awesome! Way to go baby!
Seeing my stomach drastically growing within the past week really assured me that the baby is indeed growing. We all can't wait to meet her in March, which is coming in a blink of an eye. Everyone in my family is going to upgrade (my mom and dad to grandma and grandpa, my grandma to great-grandma, etc.), since this baby is the first in the family.

I am grateful, extremely grateful for this gift of life. If my miscarriage from last year taught me anything, it'd be that God is the creator of life, not Tim or me. Thanks be to God on this Thanksgiving weekend!

Loving God

Tim and I attended the membership class hosted by our church pastor yesterday. While telling us how great and vibrant this church is, Pastor Josh reminded us that rather to identify ourselves with the church like a "brand", which we tend to do, we should put our focus on God instead.
No doubt that this church is a great one: energetic, friendly, solid in its teaching and community centered. We hope that it will push us closer to God ultimately.

This is my thought of the day. Hehe.

半天

陳達理，加油！星期六馬上就到了。

Recent Thoughts

Fall is here. Yesterday morning (Labor Day), Tim and I woke up to the fresh, crisp, chilly air sipping in through our cracked open bedroom windows. A whole summer of almost nothing but 90 Fahrenheit and above was pretty memorable, not entirely in a good way.

We spent the day playing Mario Brothers on Wii, going for walks, meeting up with some friends as well as sharing meals with each other. I enjoy our simple days in Boston. As much as it not being our favorite city, we have spent 3 good years here already.

It is the city where we began our lives as husband and wife.
It was the place where we lost our first child; his/her resting place, provided by the hospital where the research was done after its death, is in St. Joseph Cemetery, on the same street where we are living.

Very often, we pass by the green lawn area at the entrance of the cemetery on our way to different places, we would call, "baby..." out loud. We feel extremely comforted and at the same time grateful for the hospital for their act of humaneness. Tim once said to me that even though we couldn't afford to buy a house in Boston, at least we have a tiny plot of land that has part of us in it.

Many people think that if the next pregnancy succeeds, than this child will be in replacement of the first one that was lost; and that our lost would cancel with our gain. That's not true at all if you have experience miscarriage yourself. It's not to say that I am still living in the shadow and unwilling to get out. No, by the grace and power of God, He has healed my heart and sealed my wounds. However, avoiding talking or thinking about the tragedies that happened in our lives is not the best thing to do. It only creates a hidden wound that will rot and ache silently, and it will never get the chance to seal up. As a result, one will find other things to fill that open wound: entertainment, noise, tasks, responsibilities... but ultimately, misery will arise, and one will feel more and more empty because after a long while, one will not remember why all this busyness, and why all this emptiness.

Through this tragedy, and by the love of God. I've learned to embrace it, and make it a part of me and who I am as of today.

Right after my miscarriage, I called my best friend from California. It was 3 AM for her and 7AM for me. That morning was the day after the bad news. Tim had gone to work in total despair and I was extremely alone and scared. My best friend wept with me on the phone. Occasionally, I would wail on top of my lunges, and she stayed patiently on the other side of the phone weeping softly.

That phone call was the starting point of my healing.

After that, my mom flew in from California, my friends came to see me and bring me food and flowers, people wrote emails and made calls to show their sympathy, church ladies prayed for me during Bible study meetings.

All this love and support prevented me from shutting myself out. I was open to conversations in regards to this specific topic. I was willing to share my experience with others, especially those who were going through the same thing. I was free to admit that at times I felt sad and disappointed, and this feeling was reoccurring and there was no way I could control it. I was also honest to admit that sometimes I felt jealous about other mothers and their cute babies.

I am simply a human being.

Even though this event was not the highlight of our three years here in Boston, but it is definitely one of the most memorable and important one ever. Who knows, it might just be the highlight of our time here in God's eyes. Because of it, Tim and I learned the preciousness of life; God is the giver and creator of life, not us. We learned to love each other even more than before, our love has deepened from sharing joy and happiness to going through the valley of shadow of death. We learned to treasure each other and the partnership which God bestowed on us with the seal of our marriage. We learned to trust God more after realizing how fragile and powerless we really are. We thought was could control our own lives, but we really can't control anything, even the falling of our hairs from our heads.

I want to share this with my blog readers because I know that none of us have a perfect and trouble-free life. I want to encourage you to embrace the life experiences that make up who you are, whether they be good or bad. Don't be afraid to open up, you'll be surprised how many people share your pain and understand what you're going through. Mostly importantly, don't fill your life with busyness and noise just to block out the pain that's there hidden underneath your throbbing heart.
If you feel alone and scared, call out to Jesus. He can save your life and your soul.

Through the whole last year and this year, I ask one thing from Jesus, "Have mercy on me, oh Lord!"

"Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:22-23

Back from LA

I took a three day trip to LA for a wedding shoot in Temecula, CA. The shoot lasted from 12 noon until 10:30 at night. I couldn't sleep the night before in the hotel plus the fact that I started my trip that morning around 3 am Pacific time. Boy was I exhausted by the end of the day. Luckily I got lots of help and care from some dear friends who were in the wedding. Praise God for them!

On the day heading for home, I shot a short engagement session in Irvine, CA before rushing to the airport. I took a red-eye and was in the middle seat on the plane. Though I tried to sleep most of the flight, I did manage to make conversations with a mother-daughter duo sitting on both sides of me. Turns out that the Caucasian mother adopted the Chinese daughter from Shanghai when she was six weeks old. Now the girl is already a senior in high school, and the purpose of their trip is to visit some universities in Boston since the mother is a BU alumni herself.

I was really touched by their story knowing that the only-child policy in China has caused many infant girls' deaths or abandonment. http://www.allgirlsallowed.org/

At the same time, I felt extremely blessed to be born into a Chinese family that fears God and loves life. Sadly, I don't have any siblings because of the only-child policy, and my children-to-come will not have uncles or aunts from my side.

Anyways, I had a great trip overall seeing good friends in LA. Pictures to come: dalingphotography, in a few days. ^_~

Love Is

"Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a 'standing in,' not a 'falling for.' In the most general way, the active character of love can be described by stating that love is primarily giving, not receiving."

~ by Erich Fromm in The Art of Loving

Celebrating 3 Years!

On May 5, 2007, Tim and I got married in San Jose, CA. Fast forward to 3 years later. We're in Boston, MA. A lot has happened during these three years. We're thankful for where God has brought us and what He's been doing in our lives and our little family.

To celebrate this special occasion, Tim took me to Martha's Vineyard. It's an island on the Atlantic, one hour ferry ride from the Cape, which is the tip of Massachusetts mainland.

We couldn't asked for a more gorgeous day in New England. Everyone, even the newscasters said that 5.5.2010 was THE nicest day ever. Praise God for the weather!

We started off from Woods Hole, the Steamship Authority in the Cape where we took the ferry to Martha's Vineyard.

Looking down from the ferry leaving Woods Hole

Arriving at Vineyard Haven

As soon as we got off the ferry, we rented a moppet and rode around town.
After lunch, we went to Edgartown where we found this cute little lighthouse.

Tim took this one

Since the tourism season hasn't started yet, we were the few that were there on that day. The beach was quite, the water was pristine. We spent hours relaxing by the sand and collecting seashells. Nobody else was insight and therefore no other noise besides the crashing waves we heard. It was the perfect day at a perfect place for us.

Tim found this broken seashell that he admired for a long white. He told me that this reminds him of how we're all broken as humans, but we're still intricately created by the Creator.  We're beautiful in His eyes despite our brokenness, because He knows us inside and out.  All we need to do is trust Him, trust the One who created us.

The wind was starting to pick up, so we left the beach after many noticed hours had passed by. We went into the town center and sat down for a cup of tea and a cup of little sweets.

Our celebration was very quite, and we loved every moment of it. May God be the center of our marriage, always.

Water

For the past few days, we didn't have clean water. A pipe burst caused the tap water system to be contaminated. The government advised us to not drink from the contaminated water, even to brush teeth with it is a no no. Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts and similar coffee shops were all closed in the area. People with caffeine withdrawal are complaining everywhere on the Twit and on Facebook. They gave us temporary water from the reservoirs that are untreated with micro organisms swimming in it. When I took shower I feel itchy all over afterward.

Come to think of this incident, I can't fathom the deprivation of clean water, and what it must be like for people who are without it all year round. God gave us clean and free water to begin with. Humans now have to pay money to have clean water.

Sometimes I think that this world is really a joke. When our basic necessities are at stake, survival becomes the most important thing. That's why you see people fighting for bottled waters at the supermarket, stocking up for themselves. Job, education, entertainment... become secondary. After all, can a starved man still have the brain power to study and memorize? Can a severely thirsty man work? Does a hungry and thirsty man want to be entertained in any way?

God is merciful to us. If He decides to take it all away from us, we'd be doomed. Actually we wouldn't be doomed...


We'd just be dead!

Mom Is Loved by Father

Mom is loved by Father,
When she forgot to turn off the stove in the kitchen one time and left it for 12 hours, the house didn't burn down, and the stew that she was cooking was not burnt.

Mom is loved by Father,
When she left the garage door remote on top of the car trunk one time and drove all the way to work. It was still sitting on top of the car trunk when she found it after work.

Mom is loved by Father,
When her biggest wish during this trip was to see snowfall, (because she's never seen snowfall in her entire life), she saw snowfall, at the end of March, for 2 hours, in a 40 degree, sunny day.

Mom is loved by Father,
When she lost her cell phone yesterday and was convinced that she had only put it in her jacket pocket and that it must have slipped off when we had our road trip the day before... I thought, this time, there couldn't be another miracle, could it?

Mom went to church that morning with us. She couldn't understand English very well, so she just sat in the sanctuary, praying quietly the whole time. She was worried, I know. She regretted not being more careful. She hated herself for being so forgetful all the time. 
     She was asking for a miracle, from Father. 

When we came back home, we searched the house a bit more.
     After giving up on the search, we went upstairs. Suddenly, we heard her screamed, "I found it!" Quickly, we ran downstairs in disbelieve. 


Her phone was sitting at the very bottom of her suitcase, which she didn't open or touch the whole day before. She was shocked, we were shocked. 


Father showed her another miracle, I thought. She didn't deserve it, just like we don't deserve anything our Father gives us, but He always does.

This Father is our God. Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit 3 in 1.


He is love.

We are saved by Him and loved by Him.